My story to share

In life we are given paths, we can try with all our might, but that path is never smooth. In order to learn and grow we must have trials. Easy, hard, fun, exciting, it doesn't matter what, how, when, or where, you will grow with each and every one.

The lost blog I started to write looked like this:

EXCITING NEWS!!!!

January 31,2013 J Ryan and I will be having a baby!! As of today we are only 6 Weeks (I think), In July when I'm about 10 weeks is when we are seeing Dr. Crouch and will get to have our first ultrasound done!!!!

And that blog has sat for about 5 months. I did not want to think about it, I did not want to write about it, and I did not want to talk about it.  I would be 33 weeks to this day. Not many people know what happened, some still do not know I lost the baby at 7 weeks.  But to share my story and hopefully help others I need to write, talk, scream, shout, do what ever I need to do to help me move forward.

We found out in May we were pregnant, after 9 months of trying we were so excited! Finally we were going to be parents. It scared the crap out of me! In that second of seeing two pink lines I was freaking out, crying, and very happy at the same time. At that point we were 4 weeks. Week 5 and 6 we told both parents, and Facebook because we could not wait!

I have crazy pregnancy symptoms. even before we found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks I had these symptoms.  My boobs hurt, I was nauseous all the time, and I could not eat any dairy other than cheese. But what worried me was I had cramps all the time, I would do anything and I would start to cramp. I called the Dr's office and the MA told me if I was not bleeding not to worry it is normal. I would ask other if it was or not and they would say yes or no I don't know what your talking about. I thought I was going crazy.

On June 12th 2013, Wednesday night, I started to bleed, and cried instantly, I knew something was wrong. We called the Dr and he told me to come in the next morning to see what was wrong. I did not stop bleeding, It only got worse. J Ryan could not be there so his mother can to help me. When we got there the MA asked me questions, when it was time for the ultrasound I was scared, I din't know what I would see.
Dr Max Crouch is an amazing doctor. He talked to me before the ultrasound, told me what was going to happen. When my little baby was on the screen I had a sliver of hope that was crushed instantly. I know what a 7-8 wk ultrasound looked like, and mine broke my heart.

What was on the screen was an emptied sack, no heart beat no body. Crouch told me I was either too soon to tell or I was miscarrying. I knew it was the later choice. I cried, and cried, I was heart broken. I don't remember much of leaving the office, My world was shattered, I was in a very dark hole.

There is no way to explain to you how much love I had for my baby. I have loved many people in my short life, I have been In-love once with my husband. But I loved that baby more than I have ever loved anything in my life.  I would give anything to that child, that is what I felt in that short 7 weeks of being pregnant. I loved my baby. On June 15th 2013 I lost my baby. It was painful, I cried, I felt alone, I prayed, I was depressed.

With the help of many friends, my loving savior and heavenly father, and J Ryan. I have found peace with what happened. I hope this can help you.